Sub Zero refrigerator

De-friga-feated

$12K? Are you freaking kidding me? For that kind of money, I expect the thing to strap me in and drive me to work.

We are finally pulling the plug. It's over.

The appliance repair guy, who once seemed very sexy, declared it brain dead three years ago and has given up. He has been useless ever since. My husband, on the other hand, has been resuscitating the refrigerator for three years at this point. Btw, the sex appeal of my husband has risen immeasurably since that time. (What can I say? I'm shallow.)

At this point, though, the refrigerator is 14 - how old is that in refrigerator years? I don't know, but for the last few months, it's been touch and go. We don't know if we are going to wake up to a tray of fresh ice cubes or a pool of water on the kitchen floor. Neither one of us is sleeping at night. We have trust issues.

So there you have it. The good news is that we are getting a new refrigerator. You can come over to our house and eat and you probably won't get food poisoning. The bad news is we might not be able to afford to feed you...

How to get a volunteer position at the science fair

It is almost impossible to get a volunteer position at my kids' elementary school. To give you an example, we have one parent volunteer for each two kids at the Fantastic Friday Math Facts - these things are in the middle of the day. The spots are all full and there is a wait list for substitutes. I have only gotten in once. Your chances of chaperoning a field trip are lower than winning the lottery.

Anyway I happened to be at the school when I saw 50 parent volunteers smugly filing into the gym for the Science Fair. I thought "Hmmm... I wish I could volunteer for the Science Fair." But of course, that would never happen because I would have had to know about the Science Fair in the beginning of August (and be one of the first 50 parent volunteers to sign up).

So then I thought well what if I just walk in there, fill out a name tag and stand behind one of the tables? They are not going to check my name against a list like I am trying to get into a club. So I did it. Yes, I crashed the Science Fair. Isaac saw me immediately and he was soooo happy to see me there working the booth. For an instant, it really felt like it was all worthwhile and I was doing the mommy thing right. At least that day. But then he became suspicious (I could see it on his face) because he knows I do not have the wherewithal to volunteer in an advance for an esteemed position like the Science Fair. I actually had to ask him not to narc me out to the PTA. But you know what? It worked. And it was great. It really was great.

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Daddy on another business trip: working mommy chronicles

David is on vacation, I mean a business trip, but he finally gets back today!

This marks the end of the latest insaneathon. 3 days. 9 school drop offs at 3 different schools. 9 content-contested breakfasts. 9 lunches (contents also contested). 9 outfit negotiations (while getting ready for work myself). All by 8 am. I am the only adult in the house.

Amazingly, today was the only day Julian was late to school. He was very unhappy so I quickly drafted a note. Julian was, of course, curious to know what it read (my writing is very messy) so I read it to him.

"Dear Middle School, The reason Julian is late is because his father is in Munich. I have held it together all week but this morning has finally gone to s***t. Btw, I am also going to be late to pick him up by at least 20 minutes but I am already leaving work early so do not f***king call me this afternoon. Thank you, Paige."

The kids were stunned for a moment - they couldn't believe I would actually curse in a note to the school (I didn't, of course). But then they laughed aloud when they actually read it. Nice to know they have a good sense of humor ...


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Bad swim meet (competitive sports)

Honey, please don't be so sad. Somebody has to come in last and those kids were really fast. Anyway, we just need a new strategy. You don't have to swim fast. You just have to swim smarter.

Next time, when you are up on the block, look to your left and look to your right. Call out  "I can't hold my pee"  loud enough for them to hear. They'll back off.

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Sunscreen chase

I am really sick of trying to put sunscreen on people who are trying to get away from me.

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How to get into the Jedi training academy at Disneyland

Note: The selection process has changed - this post is out of date... You can sign up now!

If you haven’t been to it, the Jedi Training Academy at Disneyland is cool. Kids are randomly selected from the audience, dressed in brown robes and trained to do combination moves on a training Lightsaber by a real Jedi Training Master. Then a disturbance in the Force is felt, a couple of Storm Troopers come out to secure the area, and Darth Vader appears. The kids fight him individually using the techniques they just learned and prevail momentarily. Then the kids realize they are even stronger as a group. Eventually, they join forces and vanquish the bad guys all together. Good prevails over Evil. The Universe is saved. It happens every single day on the Tomorrowland Terrace.

The problem with the "random selection" process is that some children like my middle son, Isaac, are seldom randomly selected. That is why I have carefully studied the random selection process at the Academy and why I am now writing this post...

Going back to work. Housewife thing didn't work out.

I am going back to work again. After that last project, I took some time off. The kids really needed me. When I watch Julian swim, he is so happy. So I did it. I stayed home. At this point, though, I can't do it anymore because it is too hard and I am very unhappy. I am ending the SAHM thing. My attitude did not go unnoticed, btw. Julian said "And one thing... Housewives do not say 'F*#%@!'" And then David said "You are like a housewife who doesn't cook, clean or watch the kids." Well, okay yes. Those things are true. But I hired people to help out when I was working. They are counting on the money and they need to feed their kids too. For the record, I also don't do gardening or laundry. And so, here we are. I am going back to work. Thank G-d.

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Both frisbees are in the tree

"Mommy, bad news. Both frisbees are in the tree in the back yard. And also the tennis racquet and one of  the hockey sticks is up there. The other hockey stick, the baseball bat and two soccer balls are over the fence in the neighbor's back yard."

"I understand how the frisbees in the tree, but how did all those other things get up there?" "Oh, never mind. Don't answer that."


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About taking time off "work"

I settled three cases last month so I don't have much work now. I thought maybe I should spend some time, full time, with the kids. You know, really concentrate on them. They missed me after the 70 hour weeks I was putting in with that last project.

So, it's been three weeks (so far). I thought I was doing

okay. Sure, I freaked out a little sometimes. There was the time I dropped Isaac off at camp without shoes and told him he was just going to have to deal with it. And there was that day of school, of course, when I forgot to pick up one boy at 12:20 and then the other at 2:05 (I know. Both of them? That was embarrassing). Oh, yeah and then there was that grocery store incident. I nearly forgot about the grocery store incident. And maybe this week I called David three, four, sometimes five times a day at work telling him I couldn't take it anymore. But seriously, I didn't think it was that bad. Then last night I told David that I think I should go back to work and he said "After the way you were yesterday and the day before and the day before that, I would PAY someone to employ you."

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Daddy is on a business trip

David is on vacation (I mean a business trip) this week and I have become, once again, a single mother living on the verge of a nervous breakdown. We need to reiterate the rules.

1. Lunch is already packed when you wake up. It has been decided. There will be no negotiation on content. By the way, your lunch is exactly the same as your brother's lunch.

2. Breakfast is already on the table when you wake up. You may like it. You may not. This will be your breakfast.

3. Mommie is basically humorless. There will be no rolling up and down of car windows. Also, there will be no fighting over swim team, basketball or homework club. Those things will happen. Do not use my skirt to wipe off your snot. No back talk. But if you do talk back, I probably will not hear you because of the music in the front seat.

4. There are two or three new babysitters this week. In your backpacks, you will find permission for pick ups and also pictures and descriptions. These are nice people. Try not to scare them off until summer break.

5. There is unlimited iPad. Yes, you read that correctly.

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Seat up. Pants down.

Isaac. Seat up. Pants down. Seat back down again. In that order. Thank you.



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10 reasons why sandboxes should be illegal in the United States

 10.  My daughter is African American.  I can't wash her hair very often because it dries it out.
9.  "Kulani, did you eat that sand?"  "Mmm hmm. Yes."
8.  When the shoes go back on, the sand goes into the shoes.  The shoes then become unwearable and must be replaced.
7.  I have a car.
6.  I have a home.
5.  I have a car and a home.
4.  Sand is very often mixed with water, producing a sort of magic elixir irresistible to children and nearly impossible to remove from, well, anything.
3.  I am allergic to the magic elixir and prone to anaphylactic shock.
2.  I have three children.
1.  Two words:  Outdoor.  Litterbox.

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Julian has a hole in his pocket

Julian has a hole in his pants pocket and stuff keeps falling out of it.  He has asked me over and over again to sew it.  Finally, I just told him "Honey, there are a lot of different kinds of mommies in this world.  They all love their children more than anything.  There are the 'sewing' kinds of mommies and then there are the 'other' kinds of mommies.  In your case ... you should use the other pocket."

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Pens in your drawer that don't work

If you take a pen out of the drawer and it does not work, throw it away.  Do not put it back in the drawer. If you take 10 pens out of the drawer and none of them work, throw them all away. Do not put all 10 of them back in the drawer. Same with glue sticks.

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The Politics of Playdates

The Politics of Playdates

Do not ever initiate the play date because then you will feel obligated to have the play date at your house. The mom will drop her kid off and go shopping. Now you are stuck with both kids for the afternoon. You are basically free childcare. I can't believe it has taken me three kids to figure this out.

With the new kid at Isaac's school, however, I managed to get the play date at the other kid's house. Not only that, I asked the other kid's dad to pick them both up at school. Now I have the whole afternoon free. I do feel a little guilty about taking advantage of this first-timer though. And also I have never actually met the kid, nor do I have any idea who his parents are. Mostly, I am just worried they think I am that kind of mom, which of course I am. I'll offer to take the kids next time.

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Black hair for people who have no idea what they are doing

If you are Caucasian adopting from Africa, you are likely thrilled about how cute your child’s hair is. At the orphanage, her hair will be braided in perfect rows that look like you could plant rice in them. You will be thinking "I can't wait to get this child home and try a million different styles with her hair.”

Whatever you were thinking ... let's just say they should not have let you out of the orphanage without a manual. Because your first few months are going to be hell. You have no idea how much time African American women spend on their hair. Take that number and multiply it by six because that is how long it is going to seem like to you.  At least at first.

Tools You Will Need

• rat tail comb
• tiny snag free elastic bands
• clips
• 1/5 conditioner 4/5 water mixed in spray bottle
• seam ripper
• Hello Kitty video

Here is what I have learned over three years

• Hair time with your daughter can be a bonding time and a precious memory for both of you. It can bring you closer and can be special time together. Adult women often remember hair time with their mothers fondly.
  

• Do NOT wash your child’s hair every day. Wash it once or twice a week at the most. We wash Kulani’s hair even less often than that. African hair is fragile, dry and brittle. Wash it infrequently so it doesn’t dry out. You can wash it with only conditioner sometimes. And you can also wash it with the braids still in.

• When you are detangling your child’s hair, finger comb it first with a lot of product. Get as many tangles out as you can with your fingers (some people do not comb Afro textured hair at all, using only their fingers). Then comb her hair in sections starting at the ends and slowly working your way in toward the roots. Make sure to keep her hair detangled (or styled) every day (even if it is not met with ... ummm ... delighted enthusiasm.

• When you style your child’s hair, it is important to protect it, especially the fine, baby hair in the front and around her hairline.

• Some styles that are common for straight hair are damaging to African hair, especially if you do them on a routine basis. If you pull the hair straight back in a ponytail, or two ponytails on the sides all the time, the hair will break in predictable spots. Also with styles such as these, the fine baby hairs in the front are not protected and might get pulled out so you want to use them sparingly or modify them a bit. Braids and twists, especially the ones that start close to the hairline, are better for protecting African hair.
  

• If you do the same styles over and over again, braiding, parting or gathering in the same places, the hair will become stressed there and might (I know I keep saying this) fall out or break.

• Beading is really cute and it is a significant part of African (and African American) culture. However, I have NOT had Kulani’s hair beaded yet. She still puts everything in her mouth and I am afraid it would be a choking hazard (especially at night unsupervised in her crib). I haven’t read this anywhere. I just don't have her hair beaded yet and I don’t think it’s safe for some kids.

• Set aside a lot of time. Make this a special time for you. It might be a bonding experience she remembers later. If it’s a terrible experience, maybe it’s not worth it. In fact, it’s customary to shave toddler heads in Ethiopia. They say it’s because "her hair was not growing in evenly". Maybe that’s true but the shaving custom also gives a child who can not tolerate styling (at that particular time) a break so she is not traumatized by something that matters a whole lot less than her relationship with you.
  

• It's all about the part. Use a rat tail comb to get the part very, very straight. Between the clips and the comb, get all the lines on her head very straight and the rest of it will more or less take care of itself. It’s amazing how great a very straight part looks, even if the rest of the style is a little … informal.

• Entertain her with videos or something she doesn't normally get to do or watch.

• One word: Product. I do not use styling products because there is no need.  Kulani's hair is gorgeous and holds great styles already.  Styling products can be drying and can cause sticky tangling. I do, however, use a TON of conditioner which accomplishes the same goal. Some people oil their children's scalp every day but I don't oil Kulani's scalp because she does not need it.

• Check out websites like http://www.chocolatehairvanillacare.com/ but don't get intimidated. These people know what they are doing. Just protect your child's precious hair. You will get it over time. Or you will get something over time. Or you will never get it at all.  But you will look back at pictures when she is old enough to do her own hair and laugh together because you really didn't have any idea what you were doing and they didn't give you a manual.

• Download and watch the movie Good Hair by Chris Rock because it is hilarious.  And in the end, make sure you tell your daughter what Rock said when responding to critics "It's not important what's on top of your head—it's important what's inside of your head." 

Baby Styles.

I put cute little snag free elastics around Kulani's head when she was a baby. She didn’t even need these really. It was just recreational on my part...

Goldfish in the bathtub

"Isaac, the secret to eating Goldfish in the bathtub is to dry your hands on a washcloth between each bite."  I can't believe I just said that.

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About the MILF thing... thank you Monica Belluci

New Bond movie coming out.  Yeah, whatever.  New Bond "girl", Monica Belluci, is 50.  Wait what?  50?  This is fantastic!  Daniel, I love you.   I take back all those things I said about Sean Connery.  Choose me next time. I'll jump out of an airplane onto a ski slope in the alps while dodging fire from assassins with you, wearing a bikini, and translating Hebrew into Mandarin (or any language really) at the same time.

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Catching snowflakes

At what age to you tell a kid to go outside to catch snowflakes on his tongue and he figures out it is just not worth it?

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Nervous mother driving

No Officer, I am not drunk.  I always drive like this.

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