If you are Caucasian adopting from Africa, you are likely thrilled about how cute your child’s hair is. At the orphanage, her hair will be braided in perfect rows that look like you could plant rice in them. You will be thinking "I can't wait to get this child home and try a million different styles with her hair.”
Whatever you were thinking ... let's just say they should not have let you out of the orphanage without a manual. Because your first few months are going to be hell. You have no idea how much time African American women spend on their hair. Take that number and multiply it by six because that is how long it is going to seem like to you. At least at first.
Tools You Will Need
- rat tail comb
- tiny snag free elastic bands
- clips
- 1/5 conditioner 4/5 water mixed in spray bottle
- seam ripper
- Hello Kitty video
Here is what I have learned over three years
- Hair time with your daughter can be a bonding time and a precious memory for both of you. It can bring you closer and can be special time together. Adult women often remember hair time with their mothers fondly.
- Do NOT wash your child’s hair every day. Wash it once or twice a week at the most. We wash Kulani’s hair even less often than that. African hair is fragile, dry and brittle. Wash it infrequently so it doesn’t dry out. You can wash it with only conditioner sometimes. And you can also wash it with the braids still in.
- When you are detangling your child’s hair, finger comb it first with a lot of product. Get as many tangles out as you can with your fingers (some people do not comb Afro textured hair at all, using only their fingers). Then comb her hair in sections starting at the ends and slowly working your way in toward the roots. Make sure to keep her hair detangled (or styled) every day (even if it is not met with ... ummm ... delighted enthusiasm.
- When you style your child’s hair, it is important to protect it, especially the fine, baby hair in the front and around her hairline.
- Some styles that are common for straight hair are damaging to African hair, especially if you do them on a routine basis. If you pull the hair straight back in a ponytail, or two ponytails on the sides all the time, the hair will break in predictable spots. Also with styles such as these, the fine baby hairs in the front are not protected and might get pulled out so you want to use them sparingly or modify them a bit. Braids and twists, especially the ones that start close to the hairline, are better for protecting African hair.
- If you do the same styles over and over again, braiding, parting or gathering in the same places, the hair will become stressed there and might (I know I keep saying this) fall out or break.
- Beading is really cute and it is a significant part of African (and African American) culture. However, I have NOT had Kulani’s hair beaded yet. She still puts everything in her mouth and I am afraid it would be a choking hazard (especially at night unsupervised in her crib). I haven’t read this anywhere. I just don't have her hair beaded yet and I don’t think it’s safe for some kids.
- Set aside a lot of time. Make this a special time for you. It might be a bonding experience she remembers later. If it’s a terrible experience, maybe it’s not worth it. In fact, it’s customary to shave toddler heads in Ethiopia. They say it’s because "her hair was not growing in evenly". Maybe that’s true but the shaving custom also gives a child who can not tolerate styling (at that particular time) a break so she is not traumatized by something that matters a whole lot less than her relationship with you.
- It's all about the part. Use a rat tail comb to get the part very, very straight. Between the clips and the comb, get all the lines on her head very straight and the rest of it will more or less take care of itself. It’s amazing how great a very straight part looks, even if the rest of the style is a little … informal.
- Entertain her with videos or something she doesn't normally get to do or watch.
- One word: Product. I do not use styling products because there is no need. Kulani's hair is gorgeous and holds great styles already. Styling products can be drying and can cause sticky tangling. I do, however, use a TON of conditioner which accomplishes the same goal. Some people oil their children's scalp every day but I don't oil Kulani's scalp because she does not need it.
- Check out websites like http://www.chocolatehairvanillacare.com/ but don't get intimidated. These people know what they are doing. Just protect your child's precious hair. You will get it over time. Or you will get something over time. Or you will never get it at all. But you will look back at pictures when she is old enough to do her own hair and laugh together because you really didn't have any idea what you were doing and they didn't give you a manual.
- Download and watch the movie Good Hair by Chris Rock because it is hilarious. And in the end, make sure you tell your daughter what Rock said when responding to critics "It's not important what's on top of your head—it's important what's inside of your head."
Baby Styles.
I put cute little snag free elastics around Kulani's head when she was a baby. She didn’t even need these really. It was just recreational on my part...
Kulani, almost four, has hair extensions. I was torn about it initially. Kulani’s Black hair is beautiful exactly the way it is. Hair extensions are controversial (under any circumstance) but they are especially charged in Kulani’s case because she is a Black girl growing up in a White family. Hair extensions, like Kulani’s current pony, mimic “White” hair. It can be argued, of course, that they are a rejection of the beauty of Afro-textured hair. I reject this interpretation and in fact ... well ... there is a lot going on here but mostly ... it's Elsa. I lost the battle to Elsa. It wasn't even a fair fight.
