What I learned from my preschooler today

You can both be Elsa. One person does not have to be Anna. As a matter of fact, the entire preschool class can be Elsa if it wants to be. Last summer, there were several tense exchanges between Kulani and another three year old at the pool as they negotiated who would play the part of which princess (because someone had to be Anna). Now, whenever there is a girl at preschool dressed up as Elsa, Kulani is thrilled. She is happy because that girl is a kindred spirit (it is also an opportunity to prove to me that it is acceptable to dress that way).

It took me a long time to realize the significance of the whole Elsa phenomenon. But now I see it in a new light. You don't have to be unique or special or the only one of anything to be okay. You are precious exactly as you are. Just because each person is precious and a gift. So if there are 150 Elsas walking down Sherman Avenue on Saturday, it's cool. Each one of those Elsas is just as precious as the next 149. No one has to be Anna if she does not want to be and the fact that Elsa is absolutely - everywhere - does not make her any less precious.

It feels like such a relief - to me personally, actually. So much less exhausting. I recently realized I have spent a lifetime in chase - the pursuit of excellence. But it wasn't really a chase to excel, it was a chase to stand out. Because I felt like I had to be better or at least different just to be okay. It turns out you don't actually have to be somebody special to be somebody. You can just be.

With that said, in our family, there is only going to be one Elsa on Saturday. Because ... well ... yeah we are all precious. But G-d also created adult-sized Anna costumes and Amazon Prime. It's Halloween. That's different.

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About the princess thing

Happy Birthday, Kulani!


Three years ago, you were born in a small village in Ethiopia. Most of the time,

I don't think about the circumstances of your actual birth at all. But when I do, I freak out a little. There were 100 million things that had to go exactly right for you to be right here, right now with us. It just seems impossible. And it's scary because the thought of ever being without you is unimaginable.


Kulani, you have an effect on me that no one else has ever had. It's amazing really. But it's a feeling--it's not a thing. When I am with you, I feel like you are reaching into my heart and opening it up. I can actually feel my heart swell up and then open. I don't expect it to happen. I even forget sometimes that you have that effect on me. Like a few days ago, I came home from a terrible day cursing and tripping over shoes and toys and there you were, just standing in the kitchen looking at me. The feeling happened. That feeling. My heart swelled up. The shoes and toys became a little less annoying (as instruments of my personal and continuing affliction by clutter). Kulani, in my life, no one else has ever reached into my heart and opened it up exactly the way you do. That feeling is exclusive to you.

But this letter is not about me. This letter is about your birthday. You are three years old today. So here we are in Southern California on your birthday, hanging out in a place where princesses hang out. And you love it. And I love it because you love it. And the whole thing is way more fun than I thought it was going to be.

On the princess thing... The princess thing has nothing to do with beauty or class or charm (you have all those things too, of course, but they have nothing to do with princessing). That is not what this is about. Being a princess, when done correctly, is about something inside. Something precious. Something I see in you. There is a great deal of responsibility involved. This is especially true in your case. You have unique gifts and talents that this world desperately needs. Your life has a meaning and it will be amazing and you have a lifetime to figure it out.


P.S. You don't actually have to be a princess. It is optional. There are lots of cool things you can do and be. But you will always be a princess to me.

Yes Isaac, you can go in the princess jumpie house

Yes, of course you can go in, Isaac.  Boys are allowed in the the princess jumpee.  But then when you come out, you will be a girl... 

          ;)

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